schooltime
yay, back to school is coming soon. How fun. As we all roll our eyes and want to avoid the fact that we are heading back to school, there is a part of us that wants to be back there. Maybe not for the classes, and not for the lectures and early mornings, but possibly for the friends or the fact of getting new supplies for free from your parents.
I know I'm not looking forward to going, although I did get quite excited to get a new mechanical pencil and some notebooks (shows you the withdrawl I go through during the summer) and it hit me that even though we hate highschool, it's something we only get to do once. Think about it, who goes back to highschool to take a course they've already done? And not to mention, it won't be the same taking a course with people half your age. The memories aren't the same, neither are the jokes or experience.
This leaves me with the idea that I guess I'm going to have to suck it up when I go back to school, because hey, I only get to live through it once, and I might as well make history =b.
I'll leave the updates when the year starts.
Emily.
music;;
soo, I guess the music selection has yet but changed this the summer has started. I have gone from my punk music all the way to underground music such as the Postal Service (who by the way are starting to become quite popular) Cute Is What We Aim For, and Captain. The Basement has come as quite a supply to all this music.
I have to say right now, the favourite will have to be: House of Heroes and although it sounds nice and calm, it is anything but. The music video for Serial Sleepers is very different than you would think, and gives me chills. It's hard to explain, but if you watch it you'll know what I mean.
On the note of music (ahaha, pun much?). It worries me the music that is now circulating our world. My cousin who as recently turned 13 and has entered the age of teenagers is already listening to Metallica and Nirvana. Not that they aren't amazing bands that I adore, but she is only young and I worry that she is getting into the wrong things. Panic! At the Disco's song names are bad enough, not to mention the lyrics that she will be singing in her head and outloud from the catchy tunes. Pussycat Dolls and Greenday, she's only 13. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it, because I can't really stop her from listening to music she likes. But for her teacher to make two full CDs of this music for all the students to listen to just makes me shake my head.
I'm off in search for clean music that isn't worship, but doesn't serve to the sex-crazed community. If you have any luck, give me a shout. Thanks for keeping updated.
-Emily
too long
It's been too long since I've written in the blog; since work is hectic and school got up there, there's just been no time. The blogging life got forgotten until a few days ago when I was stressing and I realized how much I missed it. Then came the: "oh yeaaa, jeez it's been forever" and I had to get back on. Well, work is still busy, and even though school is out for the summer, work has quickly replaced it. Aside from that, I'm back hopefully every chance I get. So this will be interesting. ;D
Woot woot Chapter 4
I've been writing a book/novel for awhile now. It started off as just random thoughts scribbled down and then me going off of that, thinking and answering my own questions. But it got really long, (which is good, the goal was to be 400 pages). Aside from that fact, I hadn't done anything with it in a long while, because you can't just sit down and write so much, you get that urge and you have a thought to write on. Well, I must say I just completed chapter 4 and I think it's my best yet. I'm very proud of myself so hopefully I'll give you guys a taste of it:
Chapter 4
Come hither loneliness
What is the root cause of loneliness? What causes us to mope in our realms of solitude? The fact that we don’t want to be around anyone and relevantly anywhere seems to be a reoccurring theme in our daily lives. Why do we constantly insist on time alone and “breaks” from everything else in the world? Why is it that we get more exhausted and tired as the days stroll along, never quite finding a balance between life and thought? I find that sometimes, life takes a lot more than you feel you can give, and when you offer a little, the maximum is taken ‘til you are like a budget that has plummeted into the negatives. And that’s just it, you become a negative, having nothing to give, as well as you profess and sport off your negativity. Such as being rude or depressed around others, and that is catchy to some degree. You can dampen those spirits of the life-full and beaming with joy. How is it that we can be okay with ourselves when we do such actions? I never quite got that, because for me, it just doesn’t make sense how someone would allow his or her horrible state rub off on another. Is it not the most worst feeling you think you can feel, so to allow someone else to share it, would be a selfish and cruel thing to allow to happen. You have to wonder whether we intend to cause our friends to catch our emotional disease on purpose, or if it is an accident that makes the condition worsen by the second.
Unhappiness, what an ugly bug to catch: that constant down-pull that leaves you with chains hanging from every limb. Your head feels as if looking up, and holding your body high will never reoccur again, that life basically as his a bottom that never lets go. Does that not scare you? Almost enough to make you never want to be unhappy again, yet that isn’t possible, for you and I both know that unhappiness is an emotion and you can’t outrun it. A little dose of down doesn’t affect your meal of up. In other words, if feeling down isn’t totally avoidable, it’s alright because for every little bit you feel unhappy, there is a bigger amount, enough to be doubled, in happiness.
I look at our emotional state as land and sea. Take a pool for example, nice palm springs or hot Mexico. Now think of being by the shore, and then a deep drop off into nothingness. If you tread in the water, head above and body under, you are at a peace, things are good, but they are also bad (we’ll say this water is cold and you’re scared of sharks). So it’s not too bad, you can get out fast, and you tend to forget the cold, possibly shark-infested water because of the beauty of wherever you are. That’s the line of happy and unhappy – content.
Now take a dive under the water. It’s a little nerve racking, because you’re going on no air, but you’ve got at least 30 seconds in your lungs and you aren’t far from the surface is there is a problem, it’s all okay. That’s just below the line of content, aka being a little unhappy but only for a little while – temporary unhappiness. It’s something you can shake off really quick and realize that the small dive wasn’t too bad and return to the surface.
Getting deeper down now, you feel more scared with every push your body makes to sink down. Farther and farther from the top, and you are running on less and less air as the seconds past. It’s getting colder and colder because the sun’s rays don’t reach down this far. Is there something there? Oh crap, I’m about 8 feet below the surface… what just touched my foot!? Now you’re panicking, what are you going to do? You can’t go up with what air you have less, you’re drowning, dying.
Notice how the deeper you go, the harder it seems to get back up in time before it is too late? That’s the thought of unhappiness, above the water, yes, things go wrong, and you feel yourself moving closer and closer to the inviting water. Yet once you’re in, you feel there is so much effort to get out that you should just give up.
I leave myself in wonder how our fears are put aside to a point where something we would never dare go near, looks somewhat inviting and begins to tug at our cravings. Who craves to be sad? Everyone. At some point or another, you subconsciously want to let it all out and be unhappy because staying above the water seems to take too much effort at certain points more than others. Yet we need to keep in mind that going for a swim is fine, and diving into the pool is alright, as long as we plan and make sure we come back up onto the pool deck when we’re done.
invisible
Do you ever get that feeling that you go completely unnoticed? People are aware that you are there, but seem to pay no attention to anything after that fact. Such as if you talk, you aren't heard, or if you do something, it goes unseen. The only thing people realize is you are actually in the room, and sometimes you're lucky if even that.
It wasn’t that long about, where we used to dress up as superheroes, and pretend our superpowers were the ability to be unseen; invisible. Yet now, that isn’t what we want, well at least for most. Some would want nothing more than to just disappear, but I cannot think the opposite. As much fun as it was to play invisible, being seen gives you so much more.
I went for my first day at Safeway on Tues., the problem was that they had no record of me being hired, nor me coming in for orientation. I was sent home and instructed to call in the next day for the manager, then on Wed., I called in, and the manager wasn't even there. Gives you that feeling that no one notices you, and you have no ability to leave a mental imprint on people. I know the Safeway thing was because of my brother, who had left a message about me coming in, and them not getting it, but still, the impression my brother told them about me, and them knowing at least that I existed didn't last very long.
I know that I'm real, and I do exist, I don't need to be told that I am for sure here. What I mean is, we all get those times where we feel like no one sees us, or at least we aren't acknowledge, as if we have no importance, and really, that is the worst feeling. So to those out there, who feel like that, I know what you mean, and hopefully it won’t last long, because being invisible sucks.
emily trying her photo-editing skillz
Europe;prt1
Kyle's in Europe, Yes!.. wait, no? I know he's having a blast there. It was only a year ago that I was there, living it up with all my friends. I know that he doesn't have any of his true friends with him on the trip, but he has "friends" there, and he's a good kid, so he'll have tons of people to hang with. Europe is a great experience, and by his first letter, he's realized that quite quickly. I love the fact he's having fun, and in a way, I wish I could be there, to see how happy he is. I knew he'd love it, and I feel so helpless as a big sister that I can't be there with him. Yet, this is a trip and an experience that shows true independence. Yes there are those kids whose parents are there as well, but just think, if they aren't, you are there, no siblings, no parents, half across the world, and on your own. You are with people, but responsibility lies fully in your court, or at least more-so. Again to that whole helpless thing, it's like, when we go places with school, we go together. We went on the Victoria trip and it was like "sister Emily and brother Kyle" and we hung out and looked out for each other. I went to Europe last year, but it wasn't a problem because I'm the older one. But this is hard, it's watching my younger brother be independent, he's without his parents and without me. I know he's doing fine, I wouldn't doubt that for a second, but still, it's hard. I feel as if, if there were to be a problem, I am so helpless. He's half across the world for goodness sakes, and I can't do a thing. I can pray, yes, praying is good. But I can't go "Kyle, grab my hand! I will make it all right, you sit here, I will deal with it." no, it's Kyle who will be saying "it's okay Emily, you sit here, don't worry, I can handle this, you don't need to help, I'm fine on my own" I think it's more that feeling of being useless. I've long outgrown my use for my older siblings. Yes, I haven't been needed much by them, because anything I can do, they can do better. Anything I can do, they could do first. But Kyle, I know he's stronger than me, and I know he can do a lot of things first, but I can't accept the fact that soon, I'll be just an out-dated sister. One who is there, but plays no part in his life. He plays a giant roll in my life because he's my little brother, and I would never close up that part of my heart that I've reserved for him, but he's got a life to live, and that means I need to step aside and let him live it.
People will be saying, "that's good Emily, that's good you are letting Kyle do things for himself" and of course I'm allowed to be worried, but still. It's so hard, because this is such a jump from being in Victoria together to me waiting by the phone, praying he can phone me to assure me he's not getting hit by cars or dying in plane accidents. Inhale? Oh I can barely exhale the last breath I took over 30 seconds ago. Calm, be calm Emily. You can do this, it's just a trip, just like when he went to Hawaii with his family... wait no, it's not. He had family there, he's alone now. He doesn't even have me there, and I'm just a half-sister in a sense. Not even, I'm more like the bestfriend that considers herself family and visa versa. Breathe, breathe.
There are those who are thinking I'm over-the-top on this, but I beg to differ. Ever have someone that you desperately care about? It's hard to let them go, although you know they'll be safe, because you can only hope that there won't be problems, and if there are, that you will fly over with your cape and save the day. This states his independene, and those days in Victoria of always looking out for each other no matter what, are coming to a sudden halt.
I remember Victoria, and having comments from people of how great we were, of how close we are and the fact that we care about each other emmensely and don't fight. I think it's more the fact we never say anything serious half of the time and we don't want to have to argue. It's normally one is mad at the other, and the other just apologizes, it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, it just matters that it'll be over-with soon.
Ending this with a giant prayer that Kyle will be safe, he still has over 13 days to go, and that you guys can pray as well. Europe this year, and all the people who joined me last year, know of how great it is, we hope that this Europe trip will have the inside jokes, the closeness and safety that we all had last March. Be safe Europe travelers, look to God, he is your true tour guide. After all, he did make the earth ;D
will they never sleep?
I'm babysitting again tonight; my cousins again as well. However, tonight there seems to be a lack of wanting to fall asleep, or even to set foot in the direction of their bedrooms. There's crying and whining and the attempts to negotiate, but talking to the queen of negotiating gives them little progress.
I cannot understand why they are so grumpy. Long day? Hard time with punishments? Restless? I'm not quite sure which one it is, but I know that it is one of those. She came from a party, and he is just tired. I hate that I have to raise my voice to get them to listen. I feel like the mean babysitter who is no fun, but just because I'm fun, doesn't mean I can't enforce the rules when necessary.
It's bed time, and they are in their rooms, I keep wondering whether he isn't telling the truth about not peeing his pants (trust me, I keep checking, and so far, we're okay). But he's supposed to be potty-training, and he can go in the bathroom, but he lies about going in his pants when he knows he has... he just doesn't want to make the effort. She on the other hand, comes up with excuses to eat the good food. "But I didn't have ANY pizza at the party, OR cake!" Well, I'm sorry dear, that is your problem, not mine. The deal is, yohgurt or cheese strings, end of story. But there is the whining and the pleading to sit in the rolly-chair. The pre-teen drama queen mood sets in and I feel like I'm babysitting myself at a younger age, accept the means I would accept to compromising are just not there. It's like an endless battle that you can't win.
She's also going through a time where she wants to be like the older kids. Wear what they wear, do what they do. It's sooooo cool, or at least to her. Get to this age and getting a job is a nightmare and dealing with cash just means more debts and issues that you can't solve. She has a purse and she walks around like a teenager, slouching and taking bedtime as if it's the end of the world (although teenagers gladly accept the chance to sleep, you get what I'm saying). She walks with attitude, and at that age, I never did, attitude came when you were 12; 10 at the earliest, not 6.
I was asked by her tonight if I had a car or a cellphone. The answer "no, I don't" came as a shock to her, mostly for the cellphone. When I told her I didn't need one, she gave me the look as if her whole preception on teenagers and the teen-years was a giant lie. I almost felt bad, but not as much as it gave her the idea that she doesn't have to follow the majority crowd and just hop on the bandwagon.
At this point in time, I sit on the couch, bumming off someone else's internet signals, and type a blog while I hope the kids are falling asleep. I've noticed, the more they think you care about it, the more they try and stay up. I try to ignore them util I think they are asleep, and then check. It's left to a game of "I can't sleep because..." and hopefully, they're too tired for games.
work, will just have to wait
I woke up late today, with drool all over my pillow, and a stuffed nose. My hair was in every direction possible and my bangs were screaming at anything within 2 metres of them. I was woken up by my sister telling me to get up and that my brother was taking me into work so I could learn how to work the cash register.
Getting up, I could barely breathe and what's worse, the racing liquid from my nose was gaining speed. There were people at the house working on the addition, so I had to get dressed and wash my face. I had to babysit tonight, and there was no way I could only go in for 2 hours...
I'm supposed to come in a little later this week when I'm not sick beyond belief, and when I also have time. It's not the greatest impression, but I can't change the facts I made commitment plans, (I wasn't aware of this interview 'til this morning).
Work will have to wait, awhile I'm guessing. It leaves a bad view on me, because I can't work right away when I start anyways, because plans were made, but after Spring Break, I'm not busy at all anymore.
sister, sister, where art thou?
How is it that siblings actually work? I see those who tend to always get along and those who constantly fight. Where does that nature to be nice to each other, regardless of yours and their moods? I can't fully say I have it bad, for I know I have it in the middle. James and I get along fine, we do stuff for each other just because the other asks, while it's not the same for Jen and me. One minute I'll be doing stuff for her, like typing up her English papers, and the next she's yelling at me because I asked her how long she'd be using the internet for. Not to say that this isn't usual nor that I haven't played the bratty card a multiple amount of times too, but what sets that to be in siblings, that ability to be nice regardless of your opinion or theirs? That someone can just automatically be nice, and they both respond, always nice, regardless if you are, and you are nice regardless if they are.
Most siblings freak out once you go from nice to grumpy, but there are those who are supportive and like friends, which includes your mood swings. I wish there was a way to keep a constant respect that only occurs when you both have a good mood, the mood that doesn't cause you to jump to name-calling or quick (and normally stupid) thinking. It's either something you're brought up with, or something you develope over time [is what I'm guessing].
I find myself on the computer at 1am because bed just doesn't look inviting. I'm still sick from babysitting last week, I never sneeze unless I have allergies, so I'm guesing this is a really bad cold if my nose is so stuffed I can't breathe through it, and it leaks every so often. To add to that, I plug it with toilet paper and end up sneezing that out; how pleasant.
I can't help but wonder if there is somewhere I can buy a "constant good mood" to install into those that day-by-day treat me only on their moods... I'm thinking costco.
