Endless Thoughts;

Europe;prt1

Kyle's in Europe, Yes!.. wait, no? I know he's having a blast there. It was only a year ago that I was there, living it up with all my friends. I know that he doesn't have any of his true friends with him on the trip, but he has "friends" there, and he's a good kid, so he'll have tons of people to hang with. Europe is a great experience, and by his first letter, he's realized that quite quickly. I love the fact he's having fun, and in a way, I wish I could be there, to see how happy he is. I knew he'd love it, and I feel so helpless as a big sister that I can't be there with him. Yet, this is a trip and an experience that shows true independence. Yes there are those kids whose parents are there as well, but just think, if they aren't, you are there, no siblings, no parents, half across the world, and on your own. You are with people, but responsibility lies fully in your court, or at least more-so. Again to that whole helpless thing, it's like, when we go places with school, we go together. We went on the Victoria trip and it was like "sister Emily and brother Kyle" and we hung out and looked out for each other. I went to Europe last year, but it wasn't a problem because I'm the older one. But this is hard, it's watching my younger brother be independent, he's without his parents and without me. I know he's doing fine, I wouldn't doubt that for a second, but still, it's hard. I feel as if, if there were to be a problem, I am so helpless. He's half across the world for goodness sakes, and I can't do a thing. I can pray, yes, praying is good. But I can't go "Kyle, grab my hand! I will make it all right, you sit here, I will deal with it." no, it's Kyle who will be saying "it's okay Emily, you sit here, don't worry, I can handle this, you don't need to help, I'm fine on my own" I think it's more that feeling of being useless. I've long outgrown my use for my older siblings. Yes, I haven't been needed much by them, because anything I can do, they can do better. Anything I can do, they could do first. But Kyle, I know he's stronger than me, and I know he can do a lot of things first, but I can't accept the fact that soon, I'll be just an out-dated sister. One who is there, but plays no part in his life. He plays a giant roll in my life because he's my little brother, and I would never close up that part of my heart that I've reserved for him, but he's got a life to live, and that means I need to step aside and let him live it.

People will be saying, "that's good Emily, that's good you are letting Kyle do things for himself" and of course I'm allowed to be worried, but still. It's so hard, because this is such a jump from being in Victoria together to me waiting by the phone, praying he can phone me to assure me he's not getting hit by cars or dying in plane accidents. Inhale? Oh I can barely exhale the last breath I took over 30 seconds ago. Calm, be calm Emily. You can do this, it's just a trip, just like when he went to Hawaii with his family... wait no, it's not. He had family there, he's alone now. He doesn't even have me there, and I'm just a half-sister in a sense. Not even, I'm more like the bestfriend that considers herself family and visa versa. Breathe, breathe.

There are those who are thinking I'm over-the-top on this, but I beg to differ. Ever have someone that you desperately care about? It's hard to let them go, although you know they'll be safe, because you can only hope that there won't be problems, and if there are, that you will fly over with your cape and save the day. This states his independene, and those days in Victoria of always looking out for each other no matter what, are coming to a sudden halt.

I remember Victoria, and having comments from people of how great we were, of how close we are and the fact that we care about each other emmensely and don't fight. I think it's more the fact we never say anything serious half of the time and we don't want to have to argue. It's normally one is mad at the other, and the other just apologizes, it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, it just matters that it'll be over-with soon.

Ending this with a giant prayer that Kyle will be safe, he still has over 13 days to go, and that you guys can pray as well. Europe this year, and all the people who joined me last year, know of how great it is, we hope that this Europe trip will have the inside jokes, the closeness and safety that we all had last March. Be safe Europe travelers, look to God, he is your true tour guide. After all, he did make the earth ;D

posted by Emily @ 11:39 PM